Tough Conversations with Kids: Considerations For Talking To Your Kids About Sex
When someone hears the term, “the talk,” you may get a laugh, some awkward silence, or some may avoid the topic entirely. But generally, most people know what those two words refer to. Parents, however, often have a sense of dread over those two words because of what it means for them: having a talk with their children about sex. While that conversation might be incredibly uncomfortable for some parents to navigate and for their kids to want to participate in, it is one of the most important topics for families to discuss.
How do I talk with my kids about sex?
When having tough conversations with your children, consider doing so on a date with no significant meaning. No child wants to have a conversation about sex with their parents on their birthday or the anniversary of a loved ones passing. Additionally, ensure the conversation seems more normal by having it at a normal location instead of going out to your kids’ favorite restaurant and having the discussion there.
The more normal you are during the conversation, the better your child will receive the information. If you as a parent are cringing at saying anatomical words or looking away when speaking, your child may notice that and in turn, it could impact their ability to talk with you about the topic because they assume the topic upsets you. While parents are naturally protective of their children, it is the same the other way around as well. Kids will try to avoid upsetting their parents as a protective factor. This is why it is imperative to use the correctly terminology when discussing private parts, and sex as a whole, to show your child those are not bad words to say. This can also help families talk about private parts and who is and is not allowed to see them.
During this conversation, it is important to approach it from an educational and curious perspective, not judgmental. No matter how much screen time or exposure to sexual content through tv and movies is limited, kids still learn about sex in a multitude of ways. Conversations with other kids at school, social media, and even health classes teach kids about sex before most families have had that conversation themselves. This causes kids to draw a lot of inferences about sex from what they have heard or seen; some completely false. Be prepared that some of those inferences and questions may catch you off guard, but creating a safe space to have an educational discussion is key.
Why is it important to have this talk?
Aside from creating more comfort around uncomfortable topics in your home, encouraging open communication can go a long way for your child’s psychological safety if they ever have a worry or concern around sex. Survivors of sexual abuse are different ages, races, ethnicities, religions, etc. meaning that no one is excluded from the potential to be a victim of child sexual abuse. While that can be something scary, promoting honest conversation in a non-judgmental way shows your child that they can come talk to you about sex, especially if something is wrong.
How does having this type of talk help in the long run?
Not only does this conversation encourage healthy communication among families, but it also encourages kids to talk to their parents if something concerning happens involving sex or their private parts. The average age of disclosure of a victim of child sexual abuse is about 52 years old (Spröber et al., 2014). Meaning a child experienced sexual abuse under the age of 18 and did not tell a professional until they were in their 50s. By normalizing the conversation, encouraging our children to talk to us if something is wrong, and not judging what they may tell us even if it is uncomfortable, we as a community can help lower that statistic.
Respectfully Submitted by Jillian Henry, Child Advocacy Program Manager & Forensic Interviewer
References:
Spröber, N., Schneider, T., Rassenhofer, M. et al. Child sexual abuse in religiously affiliated and secular institutions: a retrospective descriptive analysis of data provided by victims in a governmentsponsored reappraisal program in Germany. BMC Public Health 14, 282 (2014). https://doi.org/10.1186/1471-2458-14-282